By Saralee Rosenberg
As a novelist, I've written about some nasty neighbors. But actually living next to them (and not being able to write them out of the story) is awful. To get some ideas on handling sticky conflicts, I posed some questions to Bob Borzotta, an expert on neighbor relations and the founder of neighborsfromhell.com.
Q. Your NFH (neighbor from hell) is a SIC (selfish inconsiderate bitch.). You could write a book about all the mean things she's done. Is retaliation ever okay?
A. Retaliation is usually the weapon of choice by the bad neighbor - a good neighbor might call police about a noisy party, then the bad neighbor retaliates by slashing the good one's tires. As long as it's within the law, some forms of retaliation may help.
If my neighbor refuses to bring in her yappy dog by 11 p.m., I may set off my car alarm at 6 a.m. - unless it's parked where it will disturb other neighbors. The idea is to send the message that there are consequences for being un-neighborly.
Q. But before the battle escalates, what's step one?
A. Step one is communication, but not by a note in the mailbox, or e-mail. You don't want the neighbor having proof that they've been "harrassed" by you. The best approach, though intimidating, is to meet face to face. Be polite, use a nice speaking voice and don't show up with the rest of the block, putting the person on the defensive. Express your concerns and ask for their understanding. It might nip things in the bud, and if it doesn't, feel free to involve authorities (though that is no guarantee either).
Q. Meet face to face? But what if the person seems really, really scary?
A. Obviously don't endanger your life, but often when there are hostilities between neighbors, they've never met, don't know each other's names. The good neighbor may only know the bad neighbor by their offending behavior and judge them based on race, religion, age, etc.
By introducing yourself, you're showing you can't be intimidated and you're making it very personal. Why would they want to alienate a nice person like yourself? I know of an instance where the good neighbor gave the bad one a gift basket, mentioned the noise problem, and that was all it took.
Q. Okay, let's say the neighbor is nice but the ten-year old son is a beast. He tramples your rosebushes, harasses your dog and threatens your kids. The mom shrugs and says boys will be boys.
A. Oh. Her. Inside that giant-SUV-driving, over-caffeinated, mentally-absent Mom of the Year is a definite Neighbor From Hell. But at the same time, "live where you belong." The suburbs and other family-friendly neighborhoods are prone to misbehaving kids, barking dogs, roving teens, and disputes over snow-shoveling to landscape-damaging water run-off. It goes with the territory so expect to be a little tolerant. Also consider that restoring civility in any dispute is a process, one that can take a lot out of the better neighbors. The key is not to let it make you ill. Be patient, be persistent, be pro-active. Over time, the bad neighbor may either compromise or decide to annoy someone else.
Q. What is it about suburbia that fosters such competitiveness and resentment among neighbors?
A. Insecurity can bloom anywhere - but a suburban neighborhood can be a prime breeding ground because the close proximity of the houses gives people an amazing view of how their neighbors live, what they drive, etc. Also, there are more opportunities to interact because of time spent outside- driveways, yards, school bus stops, etc. Very hard to hide your new, enviable BMW (not that you're trying to). Just know that the better someone gets to know you, the more likely they will judge you fairly. Neighbor disputes escalate much more quickly when the parties are strangers.
Q. What is the key to achieving lasting peace when next door neighbors are like hostile nations?
A. The only way to guarantee a resolution is if one neighbor moves away or dies, which is why I say it's better to try to manage the hostilities rather than expect to resolve them. Best way to quiet the tensions is to back off for a while. If you constantly feed the fire, it's you who gets engulfed in the flames.
Q. What's worse? Neighbors who never got along, or ones that were close, then had a falling out?
A. Neither feels good. Friends-turned-enemies make for ongoing battles because there's personal pain on both sides. But when we don't know our neighbors, we're less tolerant of their occasional disturbances. It helps to be friendly to everyone so that if a problem arises, the trigger finger isn't as quick to go off.
Q. Now that we can keep tabs on each other through the Internet, cell phones, nanny-cams, have we become a nation of Peeping Cyber Toms?
A. Good people don't suddenly change because of the advent of technology. They still abide by common decency. However, a word of caution. If you don't want your antics to be seen on You-Tube, lower the shade. Also, good behavior caught on tape isn't news. No one is going to watch you bringing over a pie to the new neighbors.
Q. Finally, what is the best way to keep your cool when all you think about is revenge?
A. My doctor once told me that the intestine is the mirror of the mind. Do you really want to have to surgically repair your digestive tract because of a neighbor dispute? If you've tried everything to overcome the hostilities, either move or turn to relaxing techniques so that you can stay on the high road. Sometimes we win by not losing our minds, our intestines, our joy in life. We win if we don't dwell on revenge.
farouk
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